


A fine line between...

by smiles_and_dimples



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun-centric, M/M, Multiple chapters, Recovery, please read the tw and take care of yourself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:15:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24142681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smiles_and_dimples/pseuds/smiles_and_dimples
Summary: Jaehyun hesitates before taking a sip. The red numbers of the scale are burned into his memory, fighting with the sandpaper dryness of his throat. In the end, he compromises on five sips, just enough to take the edge off.Maybe next week he will be lighter, prettier, better.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 5
Kudos: 94





	A fine line between...

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Please don’t read this if eating disorders will trigger you and take care of yourself! Not all EDs are the same, these are only parts of my experience. I always worry for idols when they are forced to restrict and prepare for comebacks that obviously put a strain on their body and wanted to explore that. 
> 
> I’m hoping to make it around 2019-2020 but I am already messing up dates and other things for plot purposes so consider the events loosely haha!

Jaehyun’s once infamous alcohol tolerance is now gone for shit. About a bottle in and Jaehyun finds himself lying on his back, his hands tracing the blurry shapes cast from the ceiling lights. 

The laughter of his group members reverberate around him as his head spins from his stationary position on the ground. 

“Jaehyun hyung, you okay?” Tufts of blonde appear in his line of focus. 

Mark’s hair kind of makes a halo with the light behind “You are a mere baby.” Jaehyun grabs the younger to cradle him in his chest, garbling out a mix of Korean and English. 

Mark startles as his face is shoved into Jaehyun’s armpit, “Uh thanks I guess? I think you should like maybe go to bed. It’s pretty late and you don’t look so hot.”

It really was just a saying, honest words to describe his current state, yet he couldn’t help but frown. The thoughts he’d been trying to forget with soju nagging at him, reminding him of their presence and encroaching on his drunken state. He had been restricting for 46 hours so he could drink tonight without feeling too guilty. 

The banter and loud screams continue on in the background as he notices Mark watch him out of the corner of his eye. Jaehyun can only hope Mark thinks his response is due to the proposal of ending the night early.

With a soft smile and ruffling Mark’s hair, he stumbles his way to room. Trading space over privacy made him somewhat of a minimalist, but the only child in him appreciates not having a roommate this tome around. 

Part of the reason he wasn’t able to keep up with each shot poured was because Jaehyun hadn’t eaten since the previous morning. The main reason is because he dropped twenty pounds. He had to stay alert with his weight loss as he was already pretty wiry to begin with, having a naturally toned body and a square build. 

Jaehyun isn’t too sure when it started, maybe when he read the unsavory reviews posted after a performance, or the sly comments of the directors asking him to sit still to get a pretty shot of his face, or maybe how comebacks were met with praise, but still not worthy of winning awards. One day, he stopped straddling the line of losing weight for a comeback and lost to losing weight to look better, be better than just a visual, to control his flaws. 

He was aware of how brutal the industry is, and the group thoroughly checked in with each other monthly for mental health checks while their managers only cared about the amount of albums sold. They looked out for each other where the entertainment company couldn’t and wouldn’t. 

But Jaehyun knew he was fine. He knew what an issue looked like and he wasn’t like that. He may be toying some sort of line, but who wasn’t? In fact, most idols went through extreme weight loss, it was a part of the job. Losing weight wasn’t just to look prettier and skinnier like the idols he’d heard of, but to stop his own helplessness. Though difficult to explain, Jaehyun understood he did this for himself first and foremost. And if he could finally find something for himself in this harsh world he lives in, then how could it be bad?

And maybe at some point he didn’t feel comfortable using the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat off his brow or change before a concert in front of his closest friends, but it’s because he needs to lose just a few more pounds for his own comfort. 

Each of Jaehyun’s ribs could be counted, but his stomach protruded out a bit when he stood sideways. He was handling it though. He wasn’t stupid and he knew the way his body worked down to the last tick.

Logically, Jaehyun knew Mark didn’t mean anything earlier, but he couldn’t control the way it made him feel not good enough. Since predebut, people have been praising him for his looks. He was class president and one of the top students grade wise, yet it always came down to his face. As he traveled through the trainee process, he had to work hard because his limbs wouldn’t move the way his brain demanded them to, and he wasn’t fit to be a rapper, but he was no singer either. Being recruited from the streets should’ve been a compliment, but the knowledge that his visuals were the driving force for his debut since singing and dancing abilities were a joke struck an odd cord within him. 

Each day, he worked harder and longer to keep up the front that he was good at everything. Hours spent singing until his voice was hoarse and burned when he drank water, and dancing to the same song on repeat till the sun shone through the windows in the dance studio. 

The morning came with the sound of Donghyuck’s off pitch screeches. A normal Saturday morning then.

Throwing on some sweatpants, Jaehyun pads downstairs into the kitchen, feeling his tailbone ache from the way he was sleeping directly on it. His knees groan with his full weight, but past experience tells him he’ll be distracted from it once the day starts. 

While cracking a few eggs and throwing some toast into the toaster while watching the stove, Jaehyun feels arms wrap around his shoulders. 

“Mornin’,” Johnny‘s breath smells minty, making Jaehyun very aware of his own morning breath. 

“It’s past twelve, it’s hardly morning. How does an American breakfast sound for a change? I figured we can indulge a bit,” he didn’t mean to, but his sentence ended in an upturned lilt as if posing a question. 

Johnny’s eyes lit up and Jaehyun was glad he made the right decision. Jaehyun saw a private smile on the taller’s face and wondered if his stomach was feeling like this because of the alcohol from last night. 

“You’re spoiling me,” his ears flushed red, “did you sleep alright last night?”

He can’t remember when his head hit the pillow so he must’ve. “Yeah, feeling a bit of a headache from last night, but I’ve been worse. You?”

“I slept like a baby, then I woke up with Donghyuck two inches away from my face and shoved him off the bed. Last I checked he was still on the ground,” Johnny chuckled and Jaehyun watched him with a small smile. That explains the wake up call then. 

Slowly, the rest of the members were drawn into the common area by their noses. 

“Oh my god, Jaehyun I swear I’ll give you my first born,” Taeyong moaned shoving bacon into his mouth. 

Jaehyun grimaced, “Just eat your food, and please don’t give me your kids I’m too young.”

“Yeah we know you’d rather a certain someone else’s”

He whipped his head around and scrutinized everyone at the table, unsure who made that remark as everyone’s cheeks were stuffed with food. 

Deciding to let it go and pointedly ignoring their implications, Jaehyun went back to cleaning the mess from making brunch. 

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

He startled, fumbling with his soapy hands in the sink, disbelieving that Johnny snuck up on him twice today. 

“I ate when I was cooking, a good chef has to taste test. Besides, it was too tempting to wait,” Jaehyun says cheekily, letting the lie slide off of his tongue.

Johnny simply raised an eyebrow. 

“I may have a shit memory but I’m pretty positive I didn’t see you eat anything.”

Besides the small bit of panic over his ears exposing him, Jaehyun was a solid liar at best. 

“I’m pretty sure I know when I’ve eaten, stop worrying so much you’re being weird about nothing”

With a final consideration, Johnny dropped the topic, not without giving him a few odd glances throughout the rest of the morning. 

NCT 127 didn’t have anything on their schedule so all the members were free to spend the day as they pleased. Donghyuck and Mark were off to see the Dreamies as there was talk with the higher ups of removing the graduation system. Taeyong is getting his hair bleached once again for a SuperM comeback (Jaehyun can only pray he doesn’t come back bald— or that he has a camera in hand if he does) then meeting up with Ten. There’s a likely chance Doyoung was asked by the managers to start a vlive. It’s a chill day, something low key in between comebacks and rehearsals. 

Jaehyun himself hopped in the shower to get off yesterday’s grime and to feel a bit more human. He’s still slowly waking up but feeling refreshed after getting off the sleepy crusts from under his eyes. With his water bottle filled and a pack of seaweed packed for later, Jaehyun makes his way to the gym. 

These days he no longer can exercise the same, and it’s a bit embarrassing to Jaehyun who once was labeled the one with the best muscles by his members. He can run for miles on end, but a few minutes in with the weights and his arms give out. Give him an elliptical and he can go for hours, but lying on his back and weight lifting is near impossible as his spine is unable to support the equipment. 

Jaehyun still works out five days of the week and is unsure why his endurance is the way it is. He works out even longer than he used to and is proud when he runs a little further each day. Even so, he doesn’t feel comfortable working out with his group members and tries to go at odd times to prevent unwanted company. 

After some quick stretches, he stands on the scale, biting the inside of his cheek. Last time he weighed himself was last week. With all the interviews and events for the group, Jaehyun relied on working out in his room and during dance practice because there wasn’t time to go to their private gym. And disappointingly so, there isn’t a reliable scale in the dorm because the floors are slightly uneven. The lack of reliable results causes his hands to itch, forcing him to wait for the gym’s scale. 

The cool metal of the scale was welcoming and he shifted his weight to distribute it equally between both feet. He hadn’t had any water or food yet and took a long piss that should’ve cleared out any alcohol in his system from the night before. The numbers blink in red as they move up and down until it settles on its final result. 

Fuck. 

Only a bit over a pound down since the last time he weighed himself. Dread poured down his back as if ice water was poured on him. 

The emergency pack of seaweed in his duffel bag definitely wasn’t an option today. Despite being so low in calories, the thought of food passing his lips was so nauseating he was sure he would throw up immediately. 

As a punishment, Jaehyun set the treadmill to the fastest pace he could sustain instead of easing into it. With each impact of his foot on the treadmill, pain laced up his bones, aching joints making clicking sounds, upper body slouching when keeping proper athletic form was too hard when the need to keep pushing his body overcame. 

Troye Sivan’s “Wild” blares in his ears when he hits his limit. Eight miles today. With a disappointed sigh, he makes his way to the rowing machine for another half hour. This is a big strain on his body after not eating for so long, but it’s just a new level his body can get used to. 

He takes another shower, wishing the water could wash him away too, and changes to head back to the dorms. He hesitates before drinking his water. The red of scales are burned into his memory fighting with the sandpaper dryness of his throat. The water weight he’s accumulated sits uncomfortably on his thighs, hips, and hands. He compromises on five sips, just enough to take off the edge and enough to keep up a conversation without his voice going hoarse. 

It was nearing dinner time, so Jaehyun changed direction and walked aimlessly as the evening sky turns purple. He snapped a pic and put it on his private Instagram story. 

Jaehyun's phone showed it’s a quarter past seven and it’s a safe bet to go home without worrying about walking in on dinner. 

The common room was filled with quiet chatter, dishes piling on top of the other in the sink, the smell of something spicy in the air. His stomach doesn’t even grumble at this point, a fact that makes him preen.

Slipping seamlessly onto the couch, Jaehyun noticed a Marvel movie was playing and they were arguing about semantics. 

“It’s dumb as hell and there’s no way you could aim properly, much less enjoy the kiss. Also physics! Peter's skinny ass noodle body is literally hanging from a string. The wind would blow him away and spin him around or something. How could MJ kiss him if he’s moving like a pendulum?”

“You are literally missing the entire point! Imagine the boy of your dreams swinging in to save you and steal your heart all the while. It’s so cute and sweet”

Johnny was debating with Doyoung that the romanticism of Spider-Man’s upside down kiss trumped over the practicality of it. 

“Johnny, your gay is showing. Also isn’t he like twelve in this reboot? Does it really matter at this point?”

Jaehyun slips into Johnny’s side. He’s always cold and Johnny runs warm. Plus, he likes feeling the vibrations of his voice when he laughs at something someone said and the way Johnny’s arm wraps around him. 

It’s silly to say this, but Jaehyun has found he loves feeling small-- of being cared for. As someone of a taller stature, even he doesn’t remember until the stylist fits him in an oversized hoodie for a shoot. It’s not something well known, it’s something highly embarrassing, and causes him to treasure these infrequent moments with Johnny. If anyone were to find out, he would graciously combust into flames on the spot. 

“Hey, where have you been all day?” Johnny whispers as the movie continues to play, everyone’s focus redirected to the screen. 

“Went out for a bit, wanted to enjoy the outdoors since we're usually inside training,” not exactly the truth, not exactly a lie, “got some food from that restaurant on the corner too,” a complete lie. Jaehyun mentioned it just in case Johnny asked because it made him feel better to state it himself than if he was asked. 

“And does it even matter? The kiss I mean. It’s not really possible for us to hang upside down for a kiss anyways,” it makes it seem suspicious if the last thing he mentions is what he ate. 

“Hmm you never know if the situation will ask for it. And don’t you ever think about it? Maybe not that scene specifically, but someone loving you completely?”

How could someone love me completely when I can’t even love myself

Jaehyun hums, “I guess that’s true. We might be in the wrong career for love though,” he looks up to Johnny to see he was already looking at him. Johnny faces the TV and his muscles relax. It causes his arm to slide from Jaehyun’s shoulder down his side, inching towards his waist. 

Bile rises up in his chest and he goes to stand up, moving Johnny's arm away in the process. Anything to make sure he doesn’t feel the fat around his midsection. 

Johnny raises an eyebrow and he can see question in his eyes, his mouth forming to ask what's wrong. Awkwardness is settling in as Jaehyun fake stretches to stall as he looks around the room to come up with an excuse. 

“I need ice cream. More ice cream equals more happiness” Taeyongs draws from the loveseat he threw his body over. 

Jaehyun jumps on the opportunity and moves his ass to get his terrifyingly cute leader his ice cream with a baby spoon to tease him.

The months pass as NCT 127 wrap up their Japanese leg of the tour and news of a pandemic becomes the only thing on the news. 

In some ways, touring is both a blessing and a curse for Jaehyun. He burns more calories than working out since they go through a whole set list of vocal exercises and dancing requiring different levels of intensity. The downside is he spends so much time with his group members, there’s no way he can’t eat. 

He skips breakfast since he’s alone, and eats veggies and lean protein when they go out. Half the time, he can get by with small snacks throughout the day. Many of the members don’t have time to have a sit down meal, so it’s not too unusual. Dinner is always a struggle since they might be on camera or out exploring together. The only way around this is eating as slow as possible and purging within the hour. 

The feeling of his fingers tickling the back of his throat have become a holy experience at the end of the night. It’s only after rinsing the bitter taste of bile from his throat can he go to bed. 

It drives Jaehyun crazy not knowing his weight. How much has it fluctuated? He over counts his calories when he can’t get the exact number from nutrition labels. On tours, Jaehyun’s main goal is to maintain his weight. When a reliable scale isn’t nearby, he brings a measuring tape to record his body measurements. 

The morning air bites as tape wraps around his waist methodically, growing warmer around his hips, as it wraps around his wrist, as it’s pressed around the thickest part of his thigh. 

Jaehyun records the numbers in a locked folder in the notes app. 

The weeks continue to pass and the sight of their fans fuel him with the energy Jaehyun needs to keep going. When his stomach cramps and his insides twist, he remembers the fans that have supported them and dedicated their time to see them. When he feels light headed and sees spots, he can only hope to be better. When he kneels in front of the toilet watching the food flush down the toilet, he believes he can be better. 

The COVID has become a pandemic at this point and all concerts have been postponed for the time being. Meaning they flew back home to Seoul. Meaning they have stayed in the dorm for quarantine. Meaning he has been unable to control his dieting in front of the members. 

There’s a soft knock on his door before Taeyong pops his head in. His pastel hair is fading and becoming patchy.

“Hey, just letting you know dinner will be ready in a bit. We’re setting the table now so come down when you’re ready”

Jaehyun nods his head in acknowledgment as Taeyong quietly closes his door. 

The rest of the guys are relieved for the abrupt break as they can finally rest. Jaehyun is the opposite. He feels like fractured glass that’s on the brink of shattering into millions of pieces. And he knows he isn’t hiding it well. He’s snapping at the smallest of things and starting arguments out of spite. It’s gotten to the point that everyone’s been keeping their distance to maintain peace. 

And it’s not just him. Everyone’s going a little stir crazy as their hectic life was abruptly stopped and forced behind doors.

Without the constant influx of work that comes with touring, unable to exercise or weigh himself, and being detained with the same company twenty-four seven, he feels hypersensitive— raw from the inside out. 

Most seats are taken when Jaehyun seats himself next to Donghyuck at the table. The younger is loud enough to draw in the attention in the room and be too absorbed to notice his surroundings. 

Conversation fills the room as the sweet and spicy smell of bulgogi wafts in from the kitchen. 

“This is my favorite Korean dish hands down,” Yuta moans and reaches for the pickled radish and a piece of lettuce. 

“Didn’t you say that last week when we had the samgyeopsal?” 

“I am a dynamic man with an ever changing palette to match, sue me.”

Taeil snorts and chokes on some rice in the process.

Hands fly over the table to reach different side dishes and steal extra pieces of meat from each other. A piece of pepper is thrown at Doyoung and Donghyuck looks especially interested in eating as the former clutches his head as dramatically as possible and glares around the table. 

Jungwoo and Jaehyun talk about a Netflix series they both began and some classics they have on queue. 

Mentally, Jaehyun is calculating the amount of rice in his bowl he can hide and the minimum amount he has to eat without looking too suspicious. 

Rice is difficult for a multitude of reasons. It can’t be cut into smaller pieces or hidden under other food and it’s really difficult to throw back up— he knows this intimately. The best that can be done is to compact it and make sure he’s the one to throw it in the trash. He took two pieces of bulgogi and filled the rest of his bowl with kimchi and the spicy cucumbers. Enough to make his bowl look full and hitting his calorie count range. 

“—the director is the same one that did that international film last year. It wasn’t my favorite though the cinematography was quite poetic.”

Jaehyun hums offhandedly, mushing his food a bit. 

“Hyung? Would you like some more? We still have meat if you want me to pass it to you”

Casually, Jaehyun took a sip of water. “Ah thanks, I had a snack in my room earlier. I didn’t realize it was so close to dinner and I feel bad for spoiling my appetite.”

Jungwoo forehead wrinkles. 

“Yeah it’s difficult keeping track of time during this quarantine, the other day I ended up watching YouTube videos until 3am.” His face is still pinched. “You know if you ever wanted to talk, I’m here right? All of us are. But uh, I can’t keep it between us, you remember when I had my mental health break.”

His mental health break, referring to the time hate comments and hurtful actions from alleged fans pulled Jungwoo into a deep depression. With strength from the members and the comfort of his own family at home, Jungwoo met with a therapist to help him. He’s doing better than he was, but it’s not an easy process. 

Jaehyun is forever thankful that they were able to get Jungwoo the support he needed, but he knows that’s not something he himself needs. It’s not the same.

The front door opens in the background-- probably one of the limitless members from a different sub unit-- and Jaehyun smiles enough for his left dimple to show.

“Thanks I appreciate it, I’m just tired.”


End file.
